O'Reilly The Pervert
by Bill A.
Bill, a well-known right-wing talk show host, pauses in front of the porno theatre. He looks to each side to make sure no one sees him enter the seedy, Times Square porn emporium. He adjusts his hat, ties the strap around his trenchcoat and, licking his lips, abandons the balmysummer night in favor of the air conditioned sleaziness of the theater. He's upset it's come to this; since he was slapped with a huge sexual harrassment lawsuit by a female producer on his show (which he hadto settle for millions of dollars), he's had to limit his perversions to more private mediums. And this is hardly private--for the most parthe's had to indulge his sexual manias locked in his basement athome, were he keeps most of his S & M defecation tapes--but it'sa good middle ground. He's out in public--which turns him on--buthe's disguised, so it's somewhat private and, he hopes, safe.
If someone recognizes him at this place, he's done for. Everyone will know for sure that he's a hypocrite that rails on TV against immorality,"liberals" and sleaze, and yet doesn't hesitate to enjoy the same things he accuses others of enjoying. Bill looks at the offerings in the theater after he buys his ticket.There are three screens. One is playing "Crack Whore Blowout". Next to it, "Orgy In The Caribbean". And lastly, "Fisting for Dollars". He picks the Caribbean one. He wanders into the dark room,shambling around in the darkness. His shoes stick to the floor; hetries not to think about what makes them stick. Bill sits down and begins staring intently at the movie. He opens his trenchcoat and gets readyfor action. His hat? Hmmm. Why not, it's dark, who'd recognize him here? He takes it off.
Five minutes in, he notices some guy walking by his aisle, apparently leaving the movie. The guy keeps staring at him. Uh-oh. Then the worst happens.
"Hey, you're Bill O'Reilly!! I'm a big fan!" the man yells so loudeveryone can hear.
About a dozen patrons turn around andstart staring at the now no longer
anonymous talk show host.
"Shut up!"
The man continues, oblivious at Bill's mortification."I love your show man! You tell it like it is! Fox News is..."
Bill pushes the man aside and runs towards the exit. In his rush, he forgets his hat. As he runs out to the street several people spot him. He realizes to his horror people are now pointing at him and some ask if that's who they think it is. Not onlythat, but in the commotion, he forgot to zip and button his pants. He tries to hail a cab, but no taxi will stop for the agitated-looking man in his 50's, with his pants halfway down his crotch. In desperation, he takes off running down 42nd Street. Eventuallyhe is able to make it to his apartment.
The next day, his porno theater visit is all over the New York newspapers.The headlines say things like "The No-Wank Zone", "Cheap Thrill Bill", and "Bill O'Porno". The next day, he is found dead in his apartmentof an apparent drug overdose.
by Bill A.
Bill, a well-known right-wing talk show host, pauses in front of the porno theatre. He looks to each side to make sure no one sees him enter the seedy, Times Square porn emporium. He adjusts his hat, ties the strap around his trenchcoat and, licking his lips, abandons the balmysummer night in favor of the air conditioned sleaziness of the theater. He's upset it's come to this; since he was slapped with a huge sexual harrassment lawsuit by a female producer on his show (which he hadto settle for millions of dollars), he's had to limit his perversions to more private mediums. And this is hardly private--for the most parthe's had to indulge his sexual manias locked in his basement athome, were he keeps most of his S & M defecation tapes--but it'sa good middle ground. He's out in public--which turns him on--buthe's disguised, so it's somewhat private and, he hopes, safe.
If someone recognizes him at this place, he's done for. Everyone will know for sure that he's a hypocrite that rails on TV against immorality,"liberals" and sleaze, and yet doesn't hesitate to enjoy the same things he accuses others of enjoying. Bill looks at the offerings in the theater after he buys his ticket.There are three screens. One is playing "Crack Whore Blowout". Next to it, "Orgy In The Caribbean". And lastly, "Fisting for Dollars". He picks the Caribbean one. He wanders into the dark room,shambling around in the darkness. His shoes stick to the floor; hetries not to think about what makes them stick. Bill sits down and begins staring intently at the movie. He opens his trenchcoat and gets readyfor action. His hat? Hmmm. Why not, it's dark, who'd recognize him here? He takes it off.
Five minutes in, he notices some guy walking by his aisle, apparently leaving the movie. The guy keeps staring at him. Uh-oh. Then the worst happens.
"Hey, you're Bill O'Reilly!! I'm a big fan!" the man yells so loudeveryone can hear.
About a dozen patrons turn around andstart staring at the now no longer
anonymous talk show host.
"Shut up!"
The man continues, oblivious at Bill's mortification."I love your show man! You tell it like it is! Fox News is..."
Bill pushes the man aside and runs towards the exit. In his rush, he forgets his hat. As he runs out to the street several people spot him. He realizes to his horror people are now pointing at him and some ask if that's who they think it is. Not onlythat, but in the commotion, he forgot to zip and button his pants. He tries to hail a cab, but no taxi will stop for the agitated-looking man in his 50's, with his pants halfway down his crotch. In desperation, he takes off running down 42nd Street. Eventuallyhe is able to make it to his apartment.
The next day, his porno theater visit is all over the New York newspapers.The headlines say things like "The No-Wank Zone", "Cheap Thrill Bill", and "Bill O'Porno". The next day, he is found dead in his apartmentof an apparent drug overdose.
posted by floridasoapbox at 8:10 PM
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